Dear Maybe_Lesbo_Mommy,
We live in a culture in which you are labeled gay or straight, or bi (and some people think that is too unclear) and this label is the result of some innate genetic quality that at some age you "discover" but it is not the result of experimentation -it was always there, you just didn't know it. Now, this may work in many cases, and may be the case in the vast majority of men. Men regularly report in scientific studies that they knew their sexuality at an early age. And they rarely change back. But look at the same studies on women, and you will find that many women begin to make drastic changes later in life.

In other words, Maybe Lesbo, perhaps you ARE turning into a lesbian this late in life. Perhaps that subtle attraction that you felt for other woman has become full blown desire. Perhaps this is all a fantasy due to not feeling satisfied by your own marriage. Oh, perhaps, your just don't want cock any more, your crave cunt. A good way to test this out is to watch more lesbian porn and then think about it later. Do you place a man in your fantasies, or does it stay girl-on-girl? When you have sex with your husband, do you imagine that he is a woman?

Now, if you think you really are a lesbian, you should try this out with another woman. And in your case, because there are kids involved, I suggest having an affair. The worse thing you could do is walk in on your husband one day and proclaim that you are a lesbian and are leaving. If he is a great guy, you owe it to him and to yourself to do some research first. You don't want to break up a family just because you have a hunch you might like to carpet munch.

And if you do, does this mean that you should run off with the first lesbian who wants to make love to you? No, it means you need to have a nice long talk with hubby and ask him about his needs and fantasies. Perhaps you could indulge in your lesbian desires with him watching, or perhaps he has his own fantasies he wants to explore without you. So, before building up a huge drama in your head, it is important to find out what your real options are.

And remember, sometimes the sweetest discoveries are made when we think that we know all the tricks. Not to mention you will be able to fulfill a lot of lesbian MILF fantasies if you decide to open up to your new sexual orientation! And I've heard that women don't even know how good sex can be until they reach 36. So go for it!

Dear Lusting for Lesbian Lolita,
the way to seduce a young lesbian girl is not to appear hip and cool, espousing cool catch phrases like "yo, dat's da bomb" or "as if" (now, an aside: if you actually think these words are cool, you really are out of touch, and you'd better get "with it".) But, if you come off as too old, the girls will think of you as their mother. So you need to walk a fine line between being cool and by being the more mature woman, who can teach them what it means to be a good little lesbian apprentice.

First, lets look at your clothes. Don't try to dress young, but don't look dowdy either. Large jewelry, flowing elastic waist pants, while so lovely in the shop window scream "middle aged college professor." Get thee to a gym and incorporate some more flirty and fun fashions, but nothing to hip or stylish. Look at how Madonna dresses now—sexy but nothing too flashy. Even though she is older than you, let her be your guide. Hip without trying too hard.

And whatever you do, don't try too hard! You need to create an air of sexiness and security that brings the girls to you. You always need to be in the place of control, and make them work to get to you. Don't fawn over them, or you will just seem gross. Seem like you get young girls all the time, and they will seduce you, and think of you as the prize.

Don't call her too often or send text messages. Be aloof. Remember, you are older, you should have many important and exciting things to do! Unexpectedly leave town for a bit, show up unannounced. This attitude screams "I know who I am and what I want." And this is exactly what younger girls, who are in the moment of their lives of figuring out who they really are, are looking for in an older woman.

When you do finally get them into bed, do so without the aid of drugs or alcohol. The last thing you want is to get in trouble for something so silly! Make sure she is relaxed. She will feel intimidated when she thinks that you have been sexually active for so much longer than she has been. But assure her that she is very beautiful, and very frisky... but there are a few new techniques that she could learn. Remember, you have a responsibility to teach her how to fuck, and she is looking to you to do that.

Lesbo Launders rule: When seducing younger lesbians, play it cool but don't try to be cool!

Dear Ready for Prime Time,
the simple answer is that of course you can have sex anywhere you want, but of course there are some places that are better for fucking than others. The back seat of a Chevy can be romantic but it is just too uncomfortable to really be worth it.  A wet field after a summer's rain is right out of the movies but that is where it should stay, unless you like deer ticks and scratchy grass up your ass! However, with a bit of creativity and some planning (yes, you might have to think in advance) you can reach for the Sapphic Universe almost anywhere. Especially if you take into account that as lesbian lovers, your fingers can do the "work" quietly and discretely, opening up even more options.

One of the most important keys to having a good love life is to get out of the black hole that is the bed. The bed can suck in and consume even the best and most creative of lovers, because it can relax the body too much. And sometimes what we need when we join our bodies together in sexual union is excitement, a bit of fear even, different sensations and even a bit of discomfort to provide a contrast to the sexual pleasure we are feeling, highlighting it and making it more pronounced.

Now, while I am not going to recommend anything illegal, beware, what I am going to recommend for you is a bit risqué, and it could get you in trouble. But that is part of the fun, isn't it?

What about going out to a romantic restaurant? But don't sit so you can touch each other, sit as far apart as possible but always maintaining eye contact. So, what is so fun about this? Well it could be quite exciting if you are wearing a remote-controlled vibrator! Have your partner turn it on and off without warning, and you have to continue conversation while your genitals get buzzed. And if you want, both of you can wear these remote controlled vibrators!

Another favorite spot of mine is the movie theater, but do pick a movie that is not that popular! Both of you can bring heavy coats to place on your laps and quietly go to town, rubbing those little love button clits of yours up and down. Mmmm! Yummy!

Now, another place you might want to consider is your local mall. Preferably, one without cameras in the dressing room. Take advantage of your same sex status and go into the dressing room together to try on some sexy lingerie and also to try on some heavy petting.

Even if you end up in bed, good sex almost always starts somewhere else!
-Lesbo Launders

The first thing you need to do is have a talk with your partner and begin to know what she likes and doesn't like. She probably has a set of rules, of parts of her body that you can touch and parts that you can't. She may allow you to touch her sexually after you have earned her trust and she is able to let her guard down.
One thing that she will probably enjoy is receiving oral sex from you, but with her wearing a strap-on dildo. By giving her head not only will you give her a wonderful mental sensation (and let us not forget that orgasms are a mental phenomena as much as a physical one) but also the pressure from the base of the dildo on her clitoris, combined with her being visually aroused may be enough to bring her to orgasm.

The majority of her pleasure will come from touching you and from seeing you get off. If you find this difficult, you might want to find another lover. But I suggest that you work on accepting pleasure and playing mentally with her -find ways to arouse her brain instead of her body. When you touch her, do so in a way that demonstrates that she is in control, that you are worshiping her body. Lower your gaze when you look at her. Kneel before her and kiss her feet.

You sound as if this is all new to you, so here are some definitions that will help you navigate the diverse world of lesbians:

Stone butch: is a lesbian who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She does not like to be touched sexually.
A Pillow Queen: is someone who likes to be on the receiving end of sex. She likes to be pleasured and not reciprocate. Could this be you, touch me?
A soft butch: is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.

While I don't like putting people in boxes, we need to accept what turns us on and be open with our partners about what we want and don't want. –Lesbo Launders

Dear Pearl Diving in Pretoria,
for most lesbians, eating out their lover means that their lover lays down on her back and spreads her legs apart. Then the active girl puts her head in between and begins to lick. Effective? Yes. I have to say this position gives me more oral-induced orgasms than other positions. Boring? It can be if this is the only position you use for oral sex. Lesbo Landers is going to give you some position taken directly from the Kama Sutra for you to take your lesbian lover to the Sapphic Stratosphere.

Now, let's talk about positions.

First, if you are on the bed, get your girlfriend to straddle your face and rest her hands on the wall to give her more support. As you drive your flickering tongue deep into her snatch, grab on her thighs and drive her down onto your head. The big advantage of this is that your neck will be supported by the bed, so that you can go for more time. You can also grab at her tits.

Now, get her to sit on a comfortable arm chair that is low to the ground. Have her legs spread open nice and wide and put a pillow on the floor. Now go at that pussy from beneath. Even though you are on your knees you will be more comfortable.

Don't just give your lover a kiss and then go for her pussy, take your time to get her ready. Tease her whole body before you head south. When performing oral sex on your lover, don't just focus on her clitoris. Let your mouth and tongue explore her entire labia, clitoris and vagina.
Slowly lick up her thighs and kiss her vulva. Spread her legs and open her lips with your fingers. Tell her that she has a beautiful pussy.
 
Use your tongue. Your whole tongue. Flatten it out. Use just the tip. Lick her like an ice cream cone. Flick it like a butterfly wings. Use gentle strokes. As her excitement builds, add more pressure. Focus more on the area around her clit.  Take her clitoris in your mouth. Suck gently. Release. Gentle flicking can send her over the edge.
Use your hands. Place your hands under her butt and gently lift her towards your mouth. Reach up and stroke her nipples. Put a finger in her vagina or her anus. But DO NOT go from her anus to her vagina -you could spread bacteria.
If she raises her hips to meet your lips, that is good. If she starts moaning and trembling, keep doing what you're doing. Rapid breathing and writhing around are good things. If she grabs your hair and pushes you in for more, things are definitely going well.
Communication is necessary for great sex. You need to talk to your partner and ask what she likes and what she would like to try, even if you have been together for a while, don't stop experimenting!
-Lesbo Launders

Dear Bed Bored,
if I can offer you any consolation, it is that you are not alone. Not only is your problem common, but it even has its own scientific name: "Lesbian Bed Death". The major research study that has fueled the lesbian bed death myth was published in 1983, in a book called American Couples by Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz. Their empirical research reported that lesbian couples had less sex than any other couple -- heterosexual married, heterosexual co-habitating or gay male. If you ask most lesbians what they believe is the number one problem of long-term lesbian couples, they would say, "Lesbian bed death."

I have heard lesbian therapists and their clients theorize that bed death strikes lesbians because the patriarchy intrudes on woman-to-woman sex and makes women too self-conscious to maintain sexual relationships. Others have suggested that there's nothing wrong with lesbians not having sex, or having it infrequently; maybe this is the nature of women's sexuality, and we just need to get used to it, change our expectations.
However, I don't suggest that you accept this diagnosis and find other sufferers of Lesbian Bed Death and chat with them online. The cure is to start having sex again and to REALLY enjoy it.

First, ask yourselves if you have gotten too comfortable with each other. Sometimes we forget that visual stimulation is important for our female partners. Throw out the comfortable but ugly pajamas that you love to mope around the house in on Saturday mornings. Yes, throw it in the trash. Buy comfortable but attractive house clothes. When you get home from work, change clothes but put on an outfit like you are going on a date. And then TRY to get laid just as hard as you would in that situation.

I am not a big proponent of "putting it in your schedule" because nothing's less sexy than a post-it reminder to "have sex with partner" but you do actually have to TRY sometimes. But instead of writing down “sex tonight at 8pm” schedule a fun, sexy activity that is not fucking, and see where it leaves. For example, a bubble bath complete with soft music and candles and a new sex toy. That way you won't feel like sex is something that you have to do but you will set aside time for some tender loving. Just setting aside the fatigue of the day or the initial sense of "mmm not in the mood right now" is often enough to crack the ice and get the juices flowing. Decide whether you're too tired or not in the mood AFTER 5 minutes of foreplay. Sometimes you just need a few minutes to get into the mood.

The key is not to give up. If you a reader of my column, you already have an idea of the different ways you can play sexually. The key is to treat every time like it is the first time.
-Lesbo Launders

Dear Too hot for boys,
it's a HUGE misconception that all lesbians are butch bull dykes who run around hating men and attending feminist conscious raising sessions in the back of used bookstores where they take turns exploring their vaginas with handheld mirrors.  As you can see on our site, there are many attractive lesbians who are quite girly. And men love lesbians, because they think that it is an easy way to get two girls into bed at the same time. They also want to seduce lesbians because it is a challenge—they can prove how manly they are and how much all women need cock, especially their cock. And by saying you are a lesbian, you are making a hot little package even hotter.
First things first: men hit on women all the time and get rejected by women all the time. Don't feel like you need to be nice to them or engage them in conversation or offer long explanations to them. Most women don't do this. If you don't know the guy, just lie. Say that you are in a relationship that is very happy. You don't even have to say it is with a girl or a guy, just that you aren't looking.

Steer the conversation away from anything sexual or sensual—food, music, movies. Keep it on politics, cars, sports. In other words, manly topics. Even though you dress femininely, keep the conversation masculine. Talk about computers, the military budget and weight lifting. Don't reveal personal information about yourself if you don't know the guy.

If you don't like the guy, just blow him off. Don't feel the need to give him explanations. If you are in a bar, say that you are waiting for somebody or that you don't feel like talking. And be careful about making eye contact! Men are like dogs, the more that you talk, explain or draw them in (even if is to say that you are not interested) the more they think that you are "playing" and that you want more contact with them. Like a dog, the best thing to do is keep quiet and still, and their interest will wane naturally.

Now, a question for you: are you hanging out too much in the wrong places? In other words, are you going to hetero bars, standing by the bar, sipping on your glass of white wine and looking hot? Are you really chatty? I'm not saying don't talk to men or avoid them, just that maybe you should seek out places that are more pussy-centric. This will also help you find a girl who you can then go out with, and make it more clear that you are a "lesbian, really."

Dear Longing in Lecture,
don't do anything. She hasn't asked you out on a real date or called you at home. For all you know, she's a bit of a flirt who likes to take attractive young women out to coffee. Maybe she actually thinks you are also interesting and smart and just likes to get to know students outside of class. Perhaps she prefers to run to the bathroom afterwards and masturbate while fantasizing about sticking a dildo up your ass rather than risking her professional career by doing the nasty stuff with you. So for now, you should just hang tight and direct your amorous feelings elsewhere.

But if she does ask you out for something more than some innocent flirting, it is OK to proceed to the next level, as long as you proceed with caution. Despite what your dean and even your parents will tell you, there is nothing wrong with a student dating her teacher. Until about 20 years ago, this was a completely acceptable way of meeting one's mate. All of that talk about your teachers having power over you because she can grade your papers is complete bullshit. She, at the most, can fail you. This is unlikely to happen because if she did try to give you a bad grade, you could get someone else to grade it, which would not only improve your grade but would land her in hot water. You have the real power in this situation. With the market glutted with PhD's as tight as Al Gore's ass, one small complaint could ruin her chances of ever doing more than programming the auto-brew function at the capuccino machine at she local Starbucks.

Just recognize that you are probably at different stages of your life, so don't expect anything longterm to develop. And because many of her colleagues would disapprove, don't expect to become a big part of her life either. You two will probably end up going out to eat far away from campus to avoid detection. She will never be able to visit you in your dorm. Dates near her cold-water flat in will become more trouble than they are worth. While all of this secrecy will seem exciting at first, it could make you feel like she is ashamed of you after a while.

This relationship, despite all of the negatives, could end up being quite a wonderful experience. Ten years isn't a lot of difference in ages and it can work if you keep your expectations minimal. Just a thought to keep in the back of your mind: if she is such a great gal, why isn't she interested in girls her own age, more mature lesbians?
So, to sum up, keep going out with her for coffee. Maybe she will ask you out after the course finishes, the final grades mailed out. Maybe she will ask you out earlier. Mention to her (casually) that you are interested in women - bring up queer theory and see how she reacts. And if something develops, let her teach you many things but don't fall in love. I have a feeling this could be exciting, but not enduring. -Lesbo Launders

Dear Kissing Cutie,
well, you and her are probably in agreement that you aren't compatible! She, naturally, wants to be able to have an orgasm and give them to you as well, as part of making love is sharing this moment with your lover. You, are happy with only kissing. There is nothing wrong with this, but you will probably be lonely.

First, from the tone of your letter, you sound quite young. Maybe, you are just simply not ready for the next step. You can ask your lover to understand, but you can't ask her to stick around. If she leaves you, you should not blame her—she is acting as most people would, even kind caring people would.

Now, if you are young, maybe you are just experimenting with girls. And kissing girls is nice—better than kissing boys, with our soft lips and stubble free cheeks. But if you are unable to take it any further, it is probably because you are overwhelmed by guilt. While kissing is fun and like a game, if you have lesbian sex you need to own up to the fact that you like girls. And if you like girls, you then have to deal with issues of establishing your lesbian identity. So by only kissing, you avoid all of the pain and agony of being lesbian. Only kissing, no real relationship = no girl to bring home to mom and dad, no coming out of the closet. By doing no more than kissing, you do not need to grow.

Also, you need to ask yourself: are you really attracted to women? Maybe you aren't a lesbian, after all. If you don't like the more intimate parts of the female body, then you really don't like women. So, let's try a little experiment. Watch some of the fabulous porn on this site, pinkisbeautiful.com, and pay attention to your reactions. Are you turned on? Does your breath become shorter, do you masturbate?
Now, watch some (good) heterosexual porn. Are you more turned on or less? The results may surprise you!

However you feel, you need to get more in touch with your own body. I suggest a lot of masturbation, and paying attention to the fantasies that pop into your head. Are they of women or of men? What happens in your fantasies? Do you really only think of kissing when you touch yourself?

If after trying these methods you still feel reluctant for genital to genital contact, you should seek out a good therapist who can help you look into possible past trauma. Sex, in all of its forms, is a natural and beautiful part of life, and you shouldn't miss out on it!

Dear Oral Fixation,
of course she feels frustrated, she can't get you off, and then after she tries her hardest you end up masturbating (in front of her? When she is in the bathroom? When she leaves?) in order to get off. So, no matter how hard she tries, you don't get your orgasm and she feels like she is a bad lover. Beyond the sex, I would say that if both of you don't change your attitudes, this relationship is headed for lesbian graveyard! Both of you need to open yourselves up to other sex acts that can get you off and make your lover feel good about herself again.

Before we discuss how to improve oral sex, a quick question: why do both of you expect that oral sex will give you an orgasm? While for many girls this is the easiest way to achieve the "big-O", it obviously isn't for you. And that is OK! There are many other ways to get off, such as you have mentioned, with a vibrator ring. Maybe you could cum as quickly with your lover manually stimulating you or by using a vibrator or dildo and use the oral sex as a "foreplay" to the stimulation you need to get off. Hell, I was once with a girl who only had orgasms when I sucked on her feet! And you know what I did? A lot of toe sucking!

Now, let's go a little deeper into your problem. I am suspecting that you can't have orgasms from oral sex for one of three reasons. The first, that your partner isn't performing in a way that you need in order to get off. The second is that you are not emotionally able to have orgasms with this lover. The third is that you masturbate too much with sex toys.

You need to talk with your lover about what she needs to do when she performs oral sex so that you can get off. Does she need to suck on the clit more? Use her hands while she uses her tongue? Is she doing it too roughly or too gently? Each girl is different and you need to use words to let her know how she can give you what you need. You can also mix oral sex with other types of activities: a few minutes of oral sex, and then switch to kissing, and then back to oral sex, repeat.

Now, are you able to have orgasms with other lovers but not with this girl during ANY activity? Could it be that you don't feel comfortable with her? Are you nervous around her or is she putting too much pressure on you to have an orgasm? Sometimes this passes the more time you spend with each other, sometimes it is a sign that you and her are not compatible. Try to relax and let your mind wander into fantasies (you can think about other girls if you want!) when she eats you out.

It is very important to vary your masturbation technique so that you can respond to various types of stimuli and not become "addicted" to one form of sexual stimulation. If you only use a vibrator to get off when you are by yourself, you will probably have a hard time reaching climax when you are being eaten out. Start using your hands, or other types of sex toys. There are even some that imitate the motion that the tongue makes during oral sex, so that you can "practice" cumming. –Lesbo Launders

Dear Something fishy,
feminine odour is one of the touchiest of subjects for lesbians and straight chicks alike. Part of this is due to the over marketing of "feminine hygiene" products that use chemicals and artificial odours to mask our natural scent—and in the process fuck up our own internal cleaning processes.  And the other reason is more sinister: men who don't like to eat women out blame the smell, instead of admitting the truth: that they are pansy gay men. (Real men eat women out!)

Being that you are a woman, you probably know what is a healthy odour and what isn't. so let's talk turkey (or tuna! I kill myself with vagina humor). The first area to explore is your lover's general health. Is she a drug addict? A drunk? Chain smoker? Fast food eater? All of this effects her vaginal health. I once went out with a straight edge vegan girl in high school and her love juice was as sweet as honey. My girlfriend after her was a tough girl-hard drinking and hard living. And I hated eating her out! It was gross! Even if you look good, your insides always will betray you.

If you are going out with her you will know how she lives, and this may be a way for you to bring it up, by suggesting that she adopt slightly healthier habits because you are concerned about her health.

If this isn't the case, and as you said she bathes and all that jazz, the other options is a yeast infection or another type of internal problem. And this is how you bring it up with her. . . by telling a sweet little white lie. Tell her that you have noticed a "change" in how she smells, that it is not as good as before and that you want her to see a doctor. Offer to go with her and that you will also go for a check up (OK, a double date to the obgyn is not the sexiest idea, but you gotta do what you gotta do!)

To prevent yeast infections, every woman should eat a container of natural-sugar free yogurt a day and avoid sugary foods. Also, instead of panty hose use stockings with garters so your pussy can breath! And while you are clearing up the infection, choose skirts over tight pants. In the mean time try to incorporate other activities, such as more double dildo action. Also, incorporate scented lubricants and whipped cream into the oral action, if you feel like you can do it.

Lesbo Launders rule: In touchy matters, don't be afraid to talk. But a little lie goes a long way...

Dear Over the rainbow,
there is nothing more exciting than your first time using a strap-on! But I have provided you with a few tips so that it isn't any more awkward than necessary. Wearing a strap-on has nothing to do with wanting to be a man, but it does mean that you have to become used to having and using a "penis". For sex with a strap-on to be mind blowing, you need to treat the dildo as an extension of your body.

There are many advantages to using a strap-on as opposed to just using the old dildo-guided by-hand method. Strap-ons free the hands, allowing them to be used to touch in all sorts of other sensual ways. Strap-ons allow you to use your hips and therefore have greater leverage, providing for a more intense experience. And as an added bonus, the feel of wearing a harness can get you off even sans dildo.
Harnesses come in two basic flavors: jock-strap style and thong style. As you'd imagine, the thong-style harness has a strap that goes between your legs, which may be great for you or not. The harness has a triangular or rectangular front piece that sits over a woman's vulva s, and the front piece has a special opening or O-ring through which you can slip a special dildo with a flared, flat-bottom base. This gives women an artificial penis right where one should hang.

Another thing you'll want to consider is the material of the harness straps. Each has a different feel. Possibilities include nylon, leather, and even soft PVC. Nylon can be popped into a washing machine, as long as you remove any non-nylon parts, such as the front pad, while PVC can be wiped off with a damp cloth. And although leather requires more care, some people prefer its look and feel.

To put on a harness, simply slip the dildo into the O-ring, step into the harness and adjust the straps for a comfortable but snug fit. If, after adjusting, there's a lot of excess strap, you can always trim it down. With nylon straps, singe the ends carefully with a lighted match to prevent fraying.

Some strap-on dildos stick straight out. Others curve. Curved models provide more variety. Depending how they are positioned in the front piece, they can curve up, down or to the side. Each position provides different erotic stimulation.
Wielding a strap-on takes practice; you may feel very self-conscious the first time you look in the mirror and see a dildo bobbing between your legs. You can even masturbate while wearing your new strap-on, with dildo in hand, push the base against your mons, thrust with your hips. 
Use plenty of water-based lube and a condom for easy clean-up. Penetrate your partner with fingers before entering her with the strap-on. All of this goes double if you're penetrating her anally.  And don't forget that wearing a strapon can be as pleasurable as being fucked by one—your partner should try giving you "oral sex" which can actually get you off by pressuring your genitals.
And send me the pics! –Lesbo Launders

Dear Lez-guesser,
Hmm, you turned lesbian? Meaning you made a choice instead of being lead by your heart? Now, before you all begin to laugh at me, I am convinced that on of the side effects of a more open society, which is a good thing, is that some people might become "gay" who are actually straight. One reason might be not having good experiences with the opposite sex, general rebellion, or political reasons—as in, I'm not an oppressed white boy because I'm GAY god damn it! David Bowie famously said that he was a closet heterosexual during the 70s. And I know of many women, who sick of men, decide to give women a try. But they often don't turn lesbian.

So I want you to start keeping track of your dreams. Who do you meet when you close your eyes to sleep? Are they men, women, or both? In other words, don't think about who you are attracted to, but rather, who do you fall in love with. And don't forget, maybe you are bi-sexual. While bi-sexuals often get teased for not being able to make up their minds, I believe that many of them just are more open to falling in love with the person instead of with the gender. Or they have the need to experience two types of love. But this is different from being a heterosexual woman who thinks Cameron Diaz is hot and wouldn't mind kissing her. That is just being open minded.

And now lets talk about your lifestyle. If live openly as a lesbian, chances are all of your friends are lesbians and you only go to lesbian circles, and yes, you are right to assume that if you do stop being lesbian that they will leave you. Is this what is possibly scaring you? Loosing your friends? It will hurt at first but you will get over it with time.

Maybe your feelings of guilt are just that: guilt at living outside of society's norms (especially if you come from a religious background). I hope I'm not the first to tell you this, but society sucks! Just about everything you do can be criticized by somebody, and you need to learn to listen only to your own heart. Hell, if you decided not to have sex you're a prude and too much and you're a slut. Tell them to shut up.
I don't think I can give you any quick fixes, other than to advise you to go to therapy and work out the issues of guilt and attraction that you are feeling. You need to separate your fear of the unknown with what loving who you are. -Lesbo Launders

Dear Closeted Lez,
You seem to be confusing two issues: getting your grove on with the object of your desires and coming out of the closet. As many closeted gay people will tell you (well, they actually WON'T tell you because they are in the closet) is that you can have a very active sex life without anyone ever knowing. However, this is likely to cause emotional drain, as you will be keeping a big part of your identity secret. You might even get involved with men to cover this up, creating a sticky situation for all involved.
You haven't told me your age, so I'm guessing you are still in high school. If that is the case, it might be best to wait until you leave home. Now, that might contradict what I just said, but there is a good reason for this: you are still financially dependent on your parents. If they kick you out of the house, or refuse to pay for college, your life could become a bad soap opera, complete with scrounging for food on the street. Yikes!

The best course of action is to wait until you get to college, and as soon as you get there, join one of the many gay clubs. They will help you meet other young lesbians and get the support you need. And you can then slowly break the news to your parents. Also, your close circle of friends will have likely matured and be more understanding (if you don't ditch them all together when you go to college). Many lesbians form friendships mainly with other lesbians, and this might happen to you too.
When you tell your parents you should be prepared for an angry reaction. Luckily, this often passes. When you tell them you should have the number of the local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) to give them. This way they can talk to other parents who love and support their gay children. Be firm and tell them that you will still be able to have a family and give them grandchildren (whether you want to or not is not important—this is what parents fear most upon hearing that their children are gay).

You might also be pleasantly surprised: maybe your parents knew all along and were just waiting for you to figure it out! Now, let's talk about this girl you want to have sex with. Is she a lesbian or just a friend? If she is lesbo, go for it! If she is just a friend, try to pick up on clues. Ask her what she thinks of gay people, what kind of music she listens to...

But I must digress! Sometimes, even is she is not lesbo, you might be able to get with her. When I was very young I experimented with many of my friends. They did not grow up to be gay, but the mutual masturbation was actually no big deal. I wish you the best of luck and just remember: it really does get easier as you grow up! -Lesbo Launders

Dear Reluctant Ass Eater,
Do I give you the good news or the bad news first? The good news is that there is no more risk in licking ass than in licking pussy. Unlike vaginal versus anal sex, as you are probing the anus with your soft tongue (and probably not even entering its tight orifice) so there is little chance of causing blood to draw from the anus (as could happen during anal sex).

One thing that you do need to watch out for is unintentional ingestion of fecal matter. To minimize this risk, you and your partner should wash your anuses thoroughly before engaging in anilingus. If you want to be on the safe side, you can use an enema, which cleans out the anal cavity beforehand. Just insert the flexible nozzle into the anus while on your hands and knees and gently squeeze the bottle, pushing the fluid into the rectum. After a few minutes, sit on the toilet and allow the fluid to drain out.
Also, anal bacteria can cause vaginal and urinary tract infections if they enter into the vaginal canal. Therefore, anything that touches the anus should not touch the vagina (even fingers and tongues!) until being washed thouroghly.

And just as HIV can be transmitted via oral-genital sex, it can also be transmitted via oral-anal sex. If you want to be extra safe (and especially if you are not in a committed relationship) you should use a dental dam, which is a piece of latex (or a cut up condom) that is placed over the area, creating a nearly 100% effective barrier.
Now the fun part! How to make tossing the salad into the main course:
Approach this sensitive area at a snail's pace. Start off by caressing the buttocks and upper thighs and then moving towards the anus. This will also build the erotic impact of the act! And don’t forget to also use your lips, literally kissing the anus.
In addition to 69, there is a wealth of other positions that you can explore: Knees and elbows. The person receiving pleasure assumes the doggie style position, while his or her lover kneels or squats behind. Either partner may gently spread the cheeks to expose the anus.

Or try this "porn star" position: standing bent over. The girl getting her ass licked stands and bends at the waist, and his or her partner kneels, sits or squats behind.
Oral/anal contact gives a lot of pleasure because our asses are far more sensitive than we imagine. And this is nothing to feel ashamed about. Just remember: if you are giving her an ass job, make sure she gives you one too! –Lesbo Launders

Dear Movie Fan,
I love watching lesbian porn! Hell, I write for a lesbian porn website, so I think it is really healthy to admit that you like porn and that it makes you feel good. Not everyone loves porn, but it is a healthy way to explore fantasies without exposing yourself to diseases or harming a relationship.

First, I am going to give you some simple advice that might end the whole problem: stop bothering your girlfriend about watching porn with you and don't let her know that you watch it so often. If it is a problem, why bring it up? If she asks tell the truth, but you don't need to give her the play by play of every moment that you two are apart (hey honey, today I cleaned the bathroom, eat a banana, and then masturbated while watching the hottest content on pink is beautiful, I especially loved this scene where the girl sticks this dildo in really deep and the other girl...).

Clean out the links in your computer. She knows you like porn, but she doesn't need to be reminded of it. Now, onto her view that porn isn't feminist or exploits women... This attitude is very retro, like saying that real lesbians don't wear lipstick. As someone who has had the pleasure of being on some porn sets, let me share with you a few surprising facts:

• The business is filled with women, not only as actors, but producers, directors, crew, etc. Many of the girls on the other end of the camera often tell me that it is actually far LESS sexist than a regular Hollywood film, in part because when you are filming sex, all sexual jokes and comments are kept to a minimum.
• The industry follows very strict guidelines regarding age and consent.
• There is porn for all tastes and all fantasies.
• Porn jobs that pay well and in which the actresses are well treated are common, and are less exploitative then low wage jobs such as waitressing or cleaning houses.

Dear Not so steady eyes,
Umm, how often are your eyes straying? Once a day, once a week or once a minute when you are out in town? Do you just look a bit or do you turn your head around and do a double take? Then do you say "hey honey, look at that ass!"
Let's say that you do look at other women too often, for argument's sake. Now, this "too much" may be once a week or once an hour, but let's just say that your eye straying is excessive.

There is a reason why I am telling you this, that is... your girlfriend thinks so, and her opinion is the only one that matters! She feels that you are not paying attention to her and that you are more interested in others girls' asses than in hers. So the first thing you got to do is get on your knees and say "I'm sorry baby, you are right and I was wrong."
I don't care if you mean it... apologizing will save you a world of problems! Tell her you have a problem and that you want to change, but that you can only change with her help.

First, she needs to admit that while every woman is different, for some (like yourself) the visual aspect of a woman is very important. And that you will never be able to not look at other women. Impossible. This does not mean that you love your mate less, rather that a beautiful woman's presence causes you to look.
But you can do it much less when she is around. And so you don't feel like you are being punished, make a game out of it! Every day you are allowed to look at X quantity of women—one woman, two, three, whatever you and your mate decide. In this way you can look everyone once in a while without feeling too guilty but you will cut down on this behavior.

But let's get to the bottom of this... are you paying attention to your mate? When she talks, are you really listening or does your mind wander? Do you pay more attention to that hot lesbian chick who walks through the door than your love?
If this is the case, you need to ask yourself if you want to stay in this relationship. Does she still excite you? Of course, the thrill of first starting to date someone wears out but it shouldn't die out completely. Your mate also needs to keep you interested, by dressing up for you when you two go up and still "flirting" with you even though you are an item. Bring this up to her, but make a game out of it so she doesn't feel like you are blaming her for your wandering eye. -Lesbo Launders

Part of me wants to tell you to tell her that you should just tell her that at least you aren't asking her to wear a puppy suit and pelt you with over-ripe tomatoes while calling you a cheap whore. Or piss on you. But OK, let's see how we can get your lesbian lover into scrubs. First of all, you need to ask yourself a few questions. Why a nurse's costume? Do you just want to see your lover in a different get up? Do you have a medical fetish fantasy? Do you want to be cared for, as a nurse does with a patient?

Maybe, just maybe, you should start by incorporating other aspects of role playing before you get her all dressed up. If what turns you on is that she takes care of you, maybe she could start by reading you a story, or giving you a sponge bath. Then, the second time, again without her putting on a costume, you could ask her to do the same thing but that she call you patient and you nurse. Then, the next time, ask her to put on the whole costume. This method allows her to slowly work her way up to your lesbian fantasy, rather than making it an "all or nothing" deal, which itself is a turnoff. Or, ask her to dress up, but not engage in any roll playing. That way it will just become a sexy outfit, and nothing more (if that is what turns you on).

Now, ask her why she doesn't want to. Is it because she feels silly? Tell her that you will dress up in a hospital gown so that you both feel ridiculous. Bring in more silly games and playfulness into the bet. Remember, sex should be fun, not something serious that needs to be negotiated 10 times before happening!

Does she not want to because she doesn't want to be considered to be a sex object? Tell her too late for that, sugar cakes! I have a feeling that behind all of this, she is very insecure about her body, and doesn't want to show off for you. There is no simple solution to having low self esteem, except to repeat to her that she is very beautiful, until she gets sick of hearing it!

LESBO LAUNDERS RULE: When your partner doesn't want to go along with a fantasy, instead of making it all or nothing, meet your reluctant partner half way!

Dear Ass shy,
anal stimulation is the best kept secret of the bedroom, and while having a cock (or a large dildo) stuck up the ass might be pleasurable for some and painful for others, anal rimming is about as erotic as two hot lesbians can get! The key to making it a pleasurable experience are the following: good personal hygiene and lots of foreplay before hand!

The anus is actually much cleaner than we believe it to be: much cleaner than that other hole located on your face! But you want to make sure that you pick a day in which you aren't too gassy. Also, keep in mind that a nice shower beforehand won't hurt! If you, Ass Shy, want to practice safe sex, you should use a dental dam, which is piece of latex that prevents sexually transmitted diseases from passing the anus/vagina mouth barrier.

Now, onto the fun part: how do you do it? Start by kissing the tender butt cheeks of your lesbian lover, rubbing your cheeks up against them, stroking them with your hands. Then, pull yourself away and give her a little spanking. Just a bit! Then kiss the area where you hit her. Then begin to nuzzle your nose in between those hot butt cheeks. Rim your tongue along the crevice (oh, I'm getting hot just writing about it).

What ever you do, don't rush! Women get tense at anal play because they are afraid that something will get stuck up their ass too quickly. By taking your time, you will ensure that the other girl relaxes and actually enjoys you worshipping her ass. Now, on to the main course! Slowly rim your tongue along the edge of the anus. Move your tongue faster and faster, round it goes, where it stops, no body knows! Then start flickering your tongue around the anus, faster and faster. Don't be afraid to reach around and give her some of the old clitorical stimulation or stick a finger up her pussy. She will show her appreciation by moaning more. Every once in a while, giver yourself a break and bite that cute ass to add to her intense wave of pleasure that rolls over her body like a tsunami!

The best way to approach anal play is to turn the whole experience into a "day trip to the ass spa" where the whole caboose is treated to the care it deserves.

LESBO LAUNDERS SAYS: we are taught from the time we are very young that the ass is dirty and filthy, and we should not confuse ourselves into thinking that these feelings can go away in just one night of anal play. The key to making it enjoyable and not just something we endure for the other partner is to take all the time necessary to relax.

Dear Lezitall,
If you want me to tell you that you are being to promiscuous you have come to the wrong advice columnist! Lesbo Launders feels strongly that people have different levels of sex drive, and as long as no one gets hurt and safe sex is practiced, there is nothing wrong with having many sex partners. Hell, I'm sure a lot of my readers would love to have your problem! But something tells me that not all is well in Lesboville. If you are asking yourself if you are too promiscuous, you feel guilty.

Now, society (friends, family, therapists, Oprah) all tell us that when a woman has many brief sexual encounters it is because she suffers from mental problems, low self esteem, blah, blah, blah. And society repeats this so often, that we begin to believe it. We deny our own sexuality, our own needs and desires. I'm sure a gay men's columnist doesn't have too many readers asking him this question!
But I suspect that your guilt doesn't come from the number of partners you have, but rather, that you are with girls so young. Now, while there are plenty of young lesbians who just want to FUCK and PARTY all day long, I'm also guessing that a lot of these young girls fall in love with you (yes IN LOVE with your player ass) and are really hurt when that "blossoming relationship" turns into a one night stand. I'm guessing you've made more than a few girls cry.

You need to change your ways, if only for a very selfish reason: we women like to talk, and if you develop a player rep, you might have your teenage-lover pool dry up like a southern California pool during a drought. You need to be very clear to these girls that you want to be with them for a short time, and are willing to do the following for them: teach them some good skills in bed, and introduce them to other lesbians. This way, they will consider you a "lesbian teacher" or "mentor" instead of a heartless ho-bag. Hell, if you do it right, you might even become a right of passage in your town!

Now, why do you leave these girls so soon after you get with them? Well, duh, you are scared of real intimacy! (Get thee to a psychiatrist!) Maybe you just don't want to be tied down right now, and that is ok, if you are honest with yourself and your partners. But, I would suggest that you also try some older girls out, who may be able to offer you more to do then just fuck (like, talking and that sort of thing). The important thing is to pay attention to the girls you are with, and don't close off your heart if you stumble into Miss Right. Love is a many splendour thing: don't be scared! And just because you find yourself in a relationship, doesn't mean that you can't have fun anymore: read my other columns to learn more about adding toys, fantasies and other girls into the mix!

Dear MILF seeker,
"Instantly developed an attachment". Hmm, sounds like you want to fuck her. Sorry, you can't instantly develop an attachment with someone. Oh, you can want to fuck them instantly, hell, you can even fall in love in less than five seconds (like the song says, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore). And how long have you talked to this woman? 10 minutes or 10 hours? Do you know anything about her? Is she in a relationship? Is she a player?

You have to slow down! Now, I'm not saying forget about her, I'm not saying don't see her again, hell, I'm not even saying don't finger her pussy in the bathroom of the bar you will meet her in to talk about her views on retirement plans. What I'm saying is that you can't think that you are in love just because you met a hottie. And second, don't fuck up your relationship just because you met someone you want to fuck.
So, how to proceed? Before you even meet this mature lesbian again, take stock of your own relationship. Are you bored sexually with your long time partner? Do you inhabit the same space but live in separate worlds? Or do you spend a lot of time together but don't do anything romantic?
LESBO LAUNDERS CHALLENGE: Don't see the hot old girl for a week. If you want, call her up and tell her you had to go out of town or something. Take one week and do the following: spend less time with live-in lover (maybe even go on a mini-vacation, just you) and then plan a special night together. Something truly magical, not just a dinner and a movie. A walk under the stars, a small adventure, and then some mind blowing sex. Try something new. Role play. Ask her what her fantasy is and do it.
Now, take stock. Is the spark back? Do you feel a connection? If so, you have probably already forgotten about Ms. Oldy-pants. But if after all of that you are still bored, it may be time to begin to think (slowly, cautiously) about moving on. And then call up Ms. Oldy-pants for a drink.
And then there is plan B: after trying my week-long plan, invite your lesbian milf for dinner at your house, and propose a threesome (talk about this with your partner first!). You might get to live out your fantasy with this new interest, put a spark back into your relationship and not cause a break-up, all at the same time! If you are in a stable relationship, a threesome would not be too much of a threat. And send me the pics!

Lesbo Lush,
you'd hate to ruin it for her, so your plan is to get her wasted so that she can't make a rational decision, nor will she remember what happened. That way, she will wake up feeling used and like she was "tricked" into being lesbian. Great move, dumb cunt!

And why would this be necessary? She wants you, you want her, and she is young and willing. Are you that scared and nervous that you would want to ply your date with alcohol so that she will do whatever you want? Why not just cross the border, go to Tijuana, and pick up some date-rape-drugs and put them in her drink, and you will be guaranteed success?
Part of life, dating, falling in love, having sex, is dealing with the possibility of rejection. And you seem so scared shitless that this little lesbian hottie might reject you that you are willing to take away her ability to choose for herself. If your self esteem is that low, why don't you just hire a prostitute, or find a young co-ed and offer her some financial assistance for some pussy licking.

Now, this is completely different from having a glass of wine with dinner, or meeting for a drink. Alcohol has always been used as a "social lubricant" and it allows people to relax in awkward situations. There is a reason why we associate wine with romance and tequila shots with parties. But this is different than a pre-meditated plan to give your date alcohol.

If you are this insecure, and she is so young, and you are this much of a jerk, I advise you to cancel the date until you can get the help that you need. Now, for all you other readers, some Lesbo Launders tips on putting your young lesbian lover in the mood, beyond the obvious (candles, soft music, DUHH!):
Read aloud poetry. I suggest that you don't actually read anything you wrote until you get to know the person: it might seem like you are getting intimate too fast if you read really personal stuff on the first date. Also, if she doesn't like your style, it could actually become a turn off. Look at the stars. It's free, it's romantic, it works! If you live in the city, replace stars with skyline.

Start off with the opposite of what you would normally do-invite her to touch you first, so that she can get over her fears. Let her touch your feet and legs, which while sensual, is not as intimidating as starting with breasts or the stomach. Then do the same with her. Let her feel like she is in control. Slow dance. Two women dancing together is acceptable just about everywhere, people will just think you are two friends. And don't forget to switch off leading! Cook a meal together. It gives you a common goal, takes your mind off the tension, and then you get to eat it together. Make sure to include some whipped cream and fruit for desert! -Lesbo Launders

Funny, I always get nervous when more than three lesbians gather together to drink coffee. . . But really, I am not sure if you should be nervous. Maybe a gang-bang with 10 guys should make you nervous (if for nothing else than for the physical strain it can put on your body) but lesbians should be kind of fun and more gentle.

I think what might be making you nervous is the quantity of the girls involved. Ten is a lot, maybe too many for a first time lesbian experience with group sex. For that many girls, you might need a coordinator or mistress of ceremonies to keep everyone in line.

LESBO LAUNDERS TIP: Group sex with lots of people is a logistical nightmare!

Is the plan that the couples have sex with each other but in the presence of others or is the plan to have a full out orgy? Do you know the people involved? Will there be activities to bring you together, or is the expectation that you all will just start group fucking in one moment? Have the other girls done this before?

My suggestion is to start with a smaller group: another couple or two other couples is a good idea, it is more manageable and it will be easier to communicate amongst each other. If you have never had group sex before, you might be overwhelmed by 20 arms, 10 pussies and 10 tongues coming at you. (And god knows how many dildos and vibrators!)

Another option is to participate with the five couples, but not to be all together at the same time. Some couples can be in the living room, some in the bedroom, and hell, one or two in the kitchen. Many swingers' clubs work in this system, which allows people to easily choose with whom they want to play with. It also lets couples have sex in an erotic environment without actually having sex with other couples. And there is yet another way this lesbian orgy can take place: get the participants in the same room and have someone "instruct" the participants in what they should do, so that every couple is doing the same thing at the same time. This is a great way to break the ice. For example, she can say "now, everyone suck on their partner's right nipple". After about a half an hour, everyone will feel more comfortable and willing to experiment more with girls who are not their partners.

The important lesson to take from this is that not all group sex is created equal, and even though this is your first time having group sex, you should feel comfortable in making suggestions to the other girls. And if all else fails, tell your girlfriend that you want to go, but just "to watch" and let things happen naturally. Good luck! And take pictures and send them to me!

Dear Girl eater,
Deciding whether or not you want to participate in "extreme" behaviour, as you call it, is not so much a question of setting limits but experimenting and seeing if you like it or not. There has been a major shift in sexual experience over the past few decades, which has only been intensified due to the internet and growth of the porn industry: acts that used to be considered to be "extreme" are now part of many "normal" peoples sexual repertoire. This does not mean that you should do every sexual act known to humankind, but it does mean that you should constantly think about what new things you want to try. You never know what you like and dont like until you try it.

Lesbo Launders herself used to hate having a dildo inserted into her ass, and was sure that it was something "extreme" that didnt interest her, until I met the right girl who knew what she was doing and showed me how pleasurable it could be! And she was the right girl to try it with: a mature lesbian woman, experienced and willing to take it slow. If you can find a girl like this, you should reconsider your "extreme behaviour" ban.
Now, on to fisting in particular: Your vagina can withhold a seven pound baby pushing its way through (ewww! Gross!). It can handle a fist. Easily! If you are turned on and it is done right, it can be an intense, but pleasurable, experience.

First, fisting should be done only when you are really turned on and relaxed. Spend at least an hour kissing and touching each others bodies, and then a lot of time on pussy licking. Make sure that that pussy gets nice and wet. Even then, take some extra lube and rube it over your hand before inserting. The most intense experience is the actual insertion of the fist into the vaginal canal. Once the hand is actually inside you, you will feel debilitating strong waves of pleasure wash over your entire body. Your breath will become more shallow, your vision blurred, and you will feel like you are on another planet. Not just because you have a fist inside of you, but because you are sharing something very intense with another girl.

Most girls who like fisting do not practice it everyday—rather, as the wise lesbian says in Kevin Smiths movie Chasing Amy—it is for very special occasions. (I highly recommend you watch probably the only mainstream movie that talks about fisting and how to do it! Added bonus, very funny movie.) I think a lot of people are frightened to try new sex acts because they are afraid that if they lose their "extreme behaviour virginity" they will have to always perform that act every time they are intimate with someone. Not true! Experimentation can be a one time deal or it can lead to more experimentation. The base of a healthy and open sexuality is not only listening to your partner but listening to yourself. And remember, as you grow, you sexual tastes change. Yummy!