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Dear Lesbo Launders,
I have been with my lesbian partner for over six years. When we first started going out, we made love like crazy. Now, we have sex every once in a while and it is always the same. What can I do to bring the spice back? She is still good looking, but she bores me. –Bed Bored
Dear Bed Bored,
if I can offer you any consolation, it is that you are not alone. Not only is your problem common, but it even has its own scientific name: "Lesbian Bed Death". The major research study that has fueled the lesbian bed death myth was published in 1983, in a book called American Couples by Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz. Their empirical research reported that lesbian couples had less sex than any other couple -- heterosexual married, heterosexual co-habitating or gay male. If you ask most lesbians what they believe is the number one problem of long-term lesbian couples, they would say, "Lesbian bed death."
I have heard lesbian therapists and their clients theorize that bed death strikes lesbians because the patriarchy intrudes on woman-to-woman sex and makes women too self-conscious to maintain sexual relationships. Others have suggested that there's nothing wrong with lesbians not having sex, or having it infrequently; maybe this is the nature of women's sexuality, and we just need to get used to it, change our expectations.
However, I don't suggest that you accept this diagnosis and find other sufferers of Lesbian Bed Death and chat with them online. The cure is to start having sex again and to REALLY enjoy it.
First, ask yourselves if you have gotten too comfortable with each other. Sometimes we forget that visual stimulation is important for our female partners. Throw out the comfortable but ugly pajamas that you love to mope around the house in on Saturday mornings. Yes, throw it in the trash. Buy comfortable but attractive house clothes. When you get home from work, change clothes but put on an outfit like you are going on a date. And then TRY to get laid just as hard as you would in that situation.
I am not a big proponent of "putting it in your schedule" because nothing's less sexy than a post-it reminder to "have sex with partner" but you do actually have to TRY sometimes. But instead of writing down “sex tonight at 8pm” schedule a fun, sexy activity that is not fucking, and see where it leaves. For example, a bubble bath complete with soft music and candles and a new sex toy. That way you won't feel like sex is something that you have to do but you will set aside time for some tender loving. Just setting aside the fatigue of the day or the initial sense of "mmm not in the mood right now" is often enough to crack the ice and get the juices flowing. Decide whether you're too tired or not in the mood AFTER 5 minutes of foreplay. Sometimes you just need a few minutes to get into the mood.
The key is not to give up. If you a reader of my column, you already have an idea of the different ways you can play sexually. The key is to treat every time like it is the first time.
-Lesbo Launders
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